Nutshell was originally started as a result of one family’s experience. When Nicky Wright shared with her family her monumental decision to transition, her wife Janet and two daughters Lucy and Kitty were naturally hugely affected. At the time of announcing her decision, the change was inevitably going to be an immense adjustment for Nicky’s whole family unit. But what the Wrights were particularly struck by was the lack of information or resources for the loved ones of a person transitioning. 

At a time when they found themselves disorientated, isolated and confused, Nicky’s immediate family were looking for answers. Answers on how best to support their loved one; answers on how to sort through their own mixed emotions; answers on what they should or shouldn’t say on the topic of transgender issues. But far from finding these answers, the Wrights’ search only led to more questions.

The family had access to a highly-qualified therapist with the relevant expertise, who aided them through this challenging time. Reflecting on how this support got them through the day-to-day would serve as the springboard for creating Nutshell. The hope was to bridge the gaps in awareness and understanding while creating wider access to professional support, and in doing so help others to adjust more smoothly. Here Nicky’s daughters, Lucy and Kitty, give their first-hand accounts of what it was like supporting a family member through transitioning, how the experience affected them directly, and how vital the access to proper support was in their journey.

Processing the news.

On first hearing the news, Lucy and Kitty describe having vastly different reactions. But they did have one thing in common; both turned to the internet – in search of comfort, education, community, to better understand what they were about to experience – and were surprised to find little to no information. While there is still a long way to go with content aimed at the trans community, with much of what’s out there feeling confusing or politically and emotionally charged, others are thankfully working on improving it all the time. But what felt like a huge gap in the Wrights’ search was anything by way of support for the family members. This clash of simultaneous information underload and overload led to both girls feeling overwhelmed. Lucy says she felt she was trying to play rapid catch-up with all the appropriate language, trying to take in the vast amounts of information aimed at trans individuals while feeling at a total loss to find her own place in it all. She says;

“I felt like I really needed to educate myself and understand what the journey ahead would look like.”

This desire for any content that might resonate is understandable. If you’re experiencing a breakup or grieving a loved one, you can turn to the internet and find hundreds of articles listing every song, film and book that will help you feel seen in your pain. Both Lucy and Kitty felt isolated in their situation – in part because it was not their news to tell, so initially they were sitting on the secret. But they also desperately wanted to find something to relate to, to aid their own understanding in order to support their dad. The whole family quickly learned that supporting each other had to start with looking after themselves individually. This wasn’t about comparing struggles; it was about educating to strengthen.

Lucy and Kitty say they have felt and experienced people being at a loss for what to say, and therefore sometimes avoiding the topic altogether. In an era of cancel culture, plenty of people say nothing for fear of offending. This only serves to make the issue more isolating for all those going through it. Both Lucy and Kitty stress how invaluable any guidance on how to handle things would have been in the wake of first finding out. Therapy didn’t only help the Wright family deal with questions internally, it was also vital for facing the day-to-day stigmas from others. It’s a given that people aren’t always going to say something that makes the situation more comfortable; but having help both in dealing with seemingly insensitive remarks, and educating those unwittingly making them, was a saving grace for Lucy and Kitty.

When discussing their different reactions to hearing Nicky’s news, Lucy and Kitty make it very clear there is no one right way for a trans person’s loved ones to process the information. While Lucy dove straight into asking lots of questions, describing her initial response as almost “manic”, Kitty says she was completely in shock and rendered speechless. Each sister found the response of the other baffling. For two people who have the same background, upbringing and experiences to react at such opposite ends of the spectrum, shows the huge scale of emotions people might experience. But their joint therapy sessions helped the sisters see one another’s perspectives, allowing them to create space for any and all responses.

Kitty describes how as a person, prior to Nicky’s transition, her emotional response to difficult news would have been to disengage and separate herself from the situation. Her instinct would not have been to seek out professional help of any kind. Kitty now says in hindsight it’s hard to believe she ever felt that way, as these days she’d be the first to recommend therapy to friends. This is where Nutshell will be so beneficial. Creating easier access for others like Kitty, who perhaps question professional help, could be a game-changer. This is a platform to help as many people as possible skip the major obstacles and gain access to that same help without difficulty.

Shifting family dynamics.

Though the difficulty of what they have been through can’t be underestimated, both Lucy and Kitty feel positive about much of what has come out of their family’s incredible journey. Kitty says she feels closer to Nicky as her dad than ever before, having cultivated a much more genuine relationship. With Nicky herself living authentically, living her truest life, this radiates out to others. While true and honest relationships are often harder to be in and may feel intense, ultimately the pay-off is that closeness.

“As a family I feel we’re much more of a unit now, we understand one another. We’re closer than ever – what we’ve learnt throughout the transition process, we apply those lessons to all areas of life. In general we are much more open, as a family and also as individuals. But a huge amount of that has happened through counselling; we’ve been given the right tools to encourage an open, honest relationship with everyone.” Lucy

The grieving process of a trans person’s loved ones is such a specific thing, since one may feel a sense of grieving somebody who hasn’t passed away. It needs to be talked about and space must be created to freely discuss every shade of grey on the spectrum. Yet there is also some pressure felt – particularly for people who consider themselves open-minded progressives – to be “fine” with it all very quickly. Lucy and Kitty both felt this dilemma acutely, describing how different it is embracing an issue in the abstract to when it is happening in your own household. Both felt almost surprised at their own early instincts to go into denial, or wish away what was happening. But as a result of access to incredible resources, education and an open, communicative family dynamic, they felt they were able to come to terms with and move on from this reaction quite quickly. Without thorough education on the topic and context of the individual’s journey to their decision, it is much more difficult to empathise or separate the emotional response. “Thankfully we are now in a position where we can fully empathise with what Dad has been through her whole life,” Kitty says, “and as a result can offer support.” Nutshell hopes to speed up the process of loved ones arriving at this place of understanding.

Riding out the rollercoaster.

One thing that’s clear on hearing Lucy and Kitty’s account, is that their healing process has been far from linear. Being told the news initially is one huge shock, but then come the many milestones that follow. From grieving a certain visual representation of a loved one to adjusting to a whole new lexicon, and everything in between, the process is a continuous rollercoaster of new emotions.

Pondering the cyclical nature of their healing process, Lucy and Kitty compare it to playing a video game with advancing levels of difficulty. With each level you gain strength, ready to focus on the next, harder task. That next level is still more difficult, but you yourself have grown in strength and experience, so you are more adept at handling the next challenge. You are still getting hit by new waves all the time, but with each one finding yourself a little more equipped to handle them. But a key thing to remember in all this, Kitty says, is that feeling one way today does not guarantee anything for tomorrow. A key takeaway from their therapy sessions for the whole family has been to fully welcome all feelings, both positive and negative. And to recognise that negative feelings are not the same as “moving backwards”. Just because you might wake up feeling worse than the day before, don’t see it as moving back a level because you’ll be that little bit stronger.

While the Wrights’ story is far from ending and will continue to be a rollercoaster, Lucy and Kitty do feel they have entered a new stage of “living with their new normal”. After all of the major milestones comes a time of relative calm, no longer constantly waiting for the “next big thing” to happen, simply living in it and learning along the way. Learning to be softer, to distance their own emotions and feel less defensive. Learning that they don’t need to catch everybody up to speed on every detail of their experience. Learning how to make room for their family setup without being entirely defined by it. With any luck you never stop learning and evolving from an experience like this. Every individual’s experience is different, just as every family supporting a loved one through their transition will differ. It’s just important to stay open, to continue to ask questions, and to allow yourself that space to be comfortable with the uncomfortable. Nutshell hopes to create this space through education and access to support, in order to help as many people as possible navigate their own journeys.